Down Below

Follow me, I want to show you something. I keep all the best ones down below.

Watch your step, and please excuse the mess. I was not expecting company today. It’s quite cold and windy out there, isn’t it? Oh yes, I do read quite a few magazines, but I haven’t subscribed to anything for years. I ordered Rolling Stone once, but when I tried to cancel my subscription they kept sending me stuff in the mail like a creepy stalker.

You’re sneezing already, are you allergic to cats? Come on down this way, let me turn on some lights so you can see where you’re going. My cats are friendly, except for Ebeneezer over there. He swipes his claws without using much discretion. One time he caught me on the ankle while I was walking down the stairs, and I had cat scratch fever for three months. Cat scratch fever is a real thing, did you know that?

Do you have any pets? Well, that makes sense. You don’t look like much of an animal person. I’ll try not to hold that against you. Right down this way, if you don’t mind.

When I first bought this house, the basement had been completely ruined by a busted pipe that flooded the entire downstairs. But I told my wife Betsy — she rests with the Good Lord now, you understand — that I would get this basement fixed up real nice. She told me I could do whatever I wanted with the basement, as long as I watched all my Sunday football in there and kept all my manly stuff out of her sight. Betsy was a good woman, so I did as I was told.

The steps are a bit narrow and steep, so please be careful walking down. I don’t need to get sued by some ambulance chasing son of a bitch lawyer! Oh goodness, please excuse my foul language. Betsy always made sure that I talked like a good boy, but with her gone, I slip up from time to time.

It’s kind of cold and dark down here, I know. I am a sort of collector, you see. There’s nothing I love more than God’s furry little creatures. Most people think taxidermy is yucky, but I think it preserves the beauty of animals forever.

Over here is my bird collection. We have an old birdbath in the backyard. I always enjoyed drinking my morning coffee and watching the little critters from our kitchen window as they dipped their beaks in the water and ate from the birdfeeder.

After Betsy died, I mixed some rat poison in the birdfeeder. Oh, those little birds didn’t really suffer, they would just fall over, stick up their tiny feet, and conk out.

I gathered myself a pretty nice collection of stuffed birds down here. See those up there? But they seemed so sad and lonely all by themselves.

So I dusted off the old .22 caliber rifle one day, and sure enough, it still looked to be in fine condition. With a few sandwiches packed and a jug of apple cider, I took myself on a little stroll into the woods.

You’d think that squirrels are quick, but not really. They just sit there like dumb rats, waiting to be shot. I got myself some nice fat ones, and mounted them up there on the wall. Look, see? I like the way their eyes follow you around the room.

But the squirrels seemed a bit lonely too, so I brought them down some friends. Come on over here, around the corner. This first fella was a Jehovah’s Witness. Seemed like a nice enough guy at first, but they’re all a bit shifty if you ask me. A Jehovah’s Witness telling me I need to find Jesus, some nerve! I was a deacon in our church for 22 years!

He was mounted on the wall real nice too, see him up there at the top? The fella next to him was selling solar roof panels, of all things. I told him I didn’t want no damn hippie plates on top of my house, but he tried to give me the hard sell! I haven’t see any salesman around here for a while. The economy ain’t so good these days, I guess.

Where do you think you’re going? I locked the door and there’s no getting out of here without the key. Oh, come on now. You’re starting to blubber just like the rest of them. What happened to all of the real men of the world, you know, the Clint Eastwood type? You should be flattered that I’m going to place you down here with the good looking ones. You should see all the ugly mugs I’ve got hanging in the upstairs attic. I keep all the best ones down below.

Why don’t you come over here and sit a little bit closer, and tell me again about those magazines you’re selling. If you show me something real good, maybe I’ll let you go so I can get my magazines every month in the mail.

You got Good Housekeeping? They’ve got the best fondue recipes, if you ask me.

THE END